10 Steps to being a better white ally

What I saw this year (2020) was an awakening in many white people who felt some sadness, anger, guilt and/or shame around racial injustice towards black people.  I saw them posting support for black lives matter and calling out friends and family who they felt were not understanding the pain of black people not just year but over the course of generations.  I also saw many white people who were good intentioned but didn’t know what to do to help with the movement.  They were afraid to center themselves or reach out to their black friends and potentially burden them.  I also saw white people who too on the role of white saviors rather than centering the experiences of BIPOC (black, indigenous, and people of color) individuals, platforms and organizations.  I also saw a lot of shaming and aggression directed towards Trump supporters without looking at one’s own complicitness in white supremacy and white silence and the ways in which one has benefited from white privilege.  I saw very little vulnerability and a lot of intensity. Intensity without intimacy isn’t going to heal the collective. We can’t cast away a new group of people as we have done for so many hundreds of years (i.e. colonialism and capitalism).

I have had the privilege to take many a workshop from Dr. Kenneth Hardy, a black psychologist, who talks about racial trauma and how to have healthy racial dialogues.  I have run many antiracism workshops for mental health practices, yoga students and teachers in training, small businesses, nonprofits and countless community based programs. The reality is that you can be a good white person who loves black people without challenging the systems of oppression and racist forces.

These are some of my takeaways for budding white allies/accomplices.

• Step 1- Recognize that you are white.  Do your own inner work of what does that mean to you. What is your family’s immigration story. Where is there pride and shame in your family history related to whiteness? When did you first notice you were white?  What do you like about being white? How have you benefited from white privilege?  If you are white passing but have other marginalized identities how do you feel about the intersectionality of identities?  See yourself as part of a racial group and start to examine what is white culture.  Talk to other white people about this stuff. Name whiteness in your life and conversations.  How often is whiteness understood as the default so that it is not even named? How many spaces cater to white people’s comfort and affirmation? Be curious about how BIPOC individuals have learned to leave parts of themselves outside of predominantly white spaces as part of assimilation to white culture.
• Step 2 – Learn about United States history, colonialism and specifically history around anti-blackness.  Learn about history of racism, segregation, and redlining in your state and town. Think about it.  Christopher Columbus arrived in 1492 to a land inhabited by indigenous people.  European colonists acted savagely against the indigenous people, killing millions of them and stealing their land over hundreds of years for personal gain.  First slave ships arrived in 1619 and for 246 years we had chattel slavery of Black people.  In 1865 we began about a hundred years of Jim Crow laws, denial of equal access to education, voting, employment, and lynching/intimidation.  We have had less than 60 years of post-civil rights laws.  That is not a lot of time to unlearn 400 plus years of racism and white supremacy.  Don’t rely on BIPOC individuals to educate you.
• Step 3 – Listen to the voices of BIPOC individuals.  Listen to their pain as well as their joy. Listen to how they want to be named and how they identify.  African American, Black, POC, African, Afro-Caribbean, Afro-Latina, etc. If you don't know, ask.  Celebrate and support their excellence and resilience.  Read their books and blogs; watch their documentaries and movies; listen to their podcasts.  Show up at their protests and rallies.  Support their businesses.  Support their initiatives. Use your voice to center their contributions and their requests even when they are not in the room.  Do it without centering yourself. Do it in a humble way.  Do it even if you don’t get credit for it. Do it even if you are not applauded for your efforts. Do it in a way that doesn't burden BIPOC people. Do it even if you do not agree with the language they are using or the means in which they are trying to get their voices and pain heard.  Know that your actions will make a difference. Know that most anti-racism work is this stuff that happens in the background.
• Step 4- Ask yourself regularly; “what am I doing to dismantle racist policies and ideas and dismantle or disrupt white supremacy?”, “what am I doing that is complicit with white supremacy and systems of oppression?”. “whose stories are being centered?” “whose stories are invisible?” "how am I taking on more of the responsibility as a white person to eliminate racism?"
• Step 5-  Examine your relationship to conflict.  How comfortable are you with conflict? What was conflict and intense conversations like in your family of origin? What were rules around conflict? What were consequences of sharing a difference in opinion? What were the gender role expressions? Who had power and privilege? How have those early experiences left an impression on you and influence your present day relationship to conflict?  What does your body remember? When you are being invited into a race based conversation that feels charged with emotion ask yourself are you being held accountable or being personally attacked?  Can you notice the difference.
• Step 6- Increase your capacity for intensity. Everyone should feel safe which is different than feeling comfortable.  Increase your ability to tolerate grief, sadness, and rage from BIPOC individuals.  Recognize that it is not usually personal and is more reflective of the harm that has been done by white people as a racial group over generations. Recognize your responsibility in conversations about race.  When you start to notice yourself getting defensive, pause, breathe, and invite yourself into curiosity.  Challenge this notion of white fragility. Learn about white apathy- disconnecting from emotions.
• Step 7- Increase your vulnerability and intimacy in relationships. Talk about the hard stuff. Increase your vocabulary for feelings and sensations in your body.  Intensity without intimacy causes a lot of harm and people leave the conversation not feeling heard and very little change comes from it.  When talking to other white people, talk from a vulnerable place and invite them into conversation rather than calling them out.  Reduce your social media self-righteousness.  Let’s not forget to see all of someone even if we disagree with their actions and words.
• Step 8- Work on transparency, congruency and authenticity.  Allow people to see who you are. Work through the shame and fear that gets in the way of you sharing certain parts of you.  Notice if you do what you say you are going to do; do you say what you mean; do you get hijacked which leads you to be silent. Say what you mean rather than talking in coded language.  If you mean race say race.  Challenge culture of politeness and being politically correct.  Recognize that silence is violence and is another way to be complicit with the systems of oppression.  Does your body language and tone of voice match what you are saying and trying to convey.
• Step 9- Welcome complexity. Move away from hierarchies and binary thinking which our brain loves because it simplifies the world. The world is complex.  Embrace both/and rather than for/against.  Focus on dualities and multiple truths.  All lives matter and we are centering black lives right now because until all black lives matter we have more work to do. 
• Step 10- Think of being a white ally on a continuum that is a lifelong process.  Take your time. Be intentional. Resist the urge for fixing or being a savior. Focus on your circle of influence. Surround yourself by people who can hold you accountable to continuing this work and inner work. I appreciate thinking about people moving through four stages. We tend to move back and forth in the stages.  You can replace racial with any other number of identities that tend to be subjugated or marginalized such as gender, sexuality, or abilities.

1. Racial indifference/apathy
2. Racial awareness
3. Racial sensitivity
4. Racial responsibility

When you start to despair, regroup, call on your other white allies for support and continue to act and resist the forces of white supremacy.
Notice where you are now.  Be kind and compassionate towards yourself while being fierce in uncovering all that you have learned that interferes with you having racial responsibility to dismantle white supremacy and other systems of oppression. 

Want to dive deeper? Check out the anti-racism resources (therapists) or antiracism resources (non therapists), listen to a podcast. Sign up for anti-racism coaching individually with Dr. Nathalie Edmond, schedule a training for your team or community, or sign up for an upcoming anti-racism series.

Here is anti-racism assessment you can complete to check out your growing edges in becoming an ally.  

Join the Antiracism Revolution membership community.  Learn more here.